I've been looking back at my really old work. About two or three years old by this point. Stuff written by an 11/12-year-old Gaia Online player who had a Spongebob quote in his forum signatures. ("Y'know, life's like a bucket of wood shavings. Except when the shavings are in a pail. Then it's like a pail of wood shavings.")

See, back in the day, the harddrive of my iBook G4 melted. All my shit was on that iBook, and needless to say, I was pretty pissed. All of my stories, every shitty thing I ever wrote was gone forever. All of my "random humor" sprite comics (including one comic that involved Luffy from One Piece fighting Broly from Dragon Ball Z from February of 2006, and another that was fucking ONE HUNDRED AND SEVEN PAGES LONG AND MOSTLY INVOLVED MEGAMAN OTL;;;;;;;;;; ).

On one hand, I'm glad some of it's gone.

Unfortunately, I only got about six or so documents, since I emailed them to myself ages ago for whatever reason. And... As you may expect, they're all preeetty bad.

One's a story called Samaru, about a fucking crazy powerful bounty-hunting ronin of the same name. He fought against the "Mikuoh," (I think I thought the Yakuza was copyrighted or something?) and the currency was "yun." (To this day I have no idea why I didn't just say "yen," the damn story took place in Japan, so...)

Highlight: The dialogue. Including such gems as...

"He wasn’t that hard to kill anyway. He didn’t deserve to live anyway."

"Keitagu reached into his pocket and impaled Samaru’s leg."

And, my personal favorite: "Keitagu couldn’t hold his breath loBl-Blood!?" (Chunks of the stories are missing for some reason)

Samaru himself was pretty fucked up. He drowned that Keitagu guy (who I actually sorta liked) just to get 100,000 yun.

On the other hand, he was also pretty badass. He gets attacked by a fuckin' giant mob of ninjas and tigers and he cuts 'em all in half. Super unrealistic, super anime, but that's what I was into back then. Also, thanks to for being gentle after reading Samaru.

(Oh and the "chapters" were about a paragraph long, which is a bad habit I have even to this day OTL; )

The other one I'm highlighting here is "Bleeding Saint." It's about vampires. And that's really all.

There wasn't a plot, and it was one of those generic things where a half-vampire is hunting vampires, belonging to some kind of organization. In one scene (read: few sentences), Randolph Aligarde (the main guy, the half-vampire) is fighting his brother, the oh-so-subtlely named "Malice," and the next he's getting briefed by some dude named Co at some "guild" about vampire attacks in some mountain village called "Canoma." Then suddenly he's spending the night in some vampire overlord's castle. I wanna rewrite this... Definitely. Although, the protagonists were... okay. There was Randolph, who was... a half-vampire, and that's about it. These two twins who I just imagine as looking like Battler from Umineko ( [link] ) for some reason named Preston and Clyde, and the vaguely vampiric "Gil." (BIG TWIST: HE'S A FUCKIN' VAMPIRE) And I swear to god, he says "vill" instead of "will" at one point.

There was also a pretty badass bad guy vampire named Othello who had an X-ray eyeball that was totally black with a red pupil that he kept under a metal-plated eyepatch. And also a sword that was "as big as his arm stacked on top of itself three times, which was pretty tall." He could also walk through walls.

Highlight (just fucking lol): Again, the dialogue. Take a look.

"The twins had a hard time falling asleep; they had some wasabi at a Japanese restaurant in town and had terrible nightmares. And although they were both full-grown men, they insisted on sleeping in the same bed for some reason."

"Gil appeared. A tall, rather scrawny man, Gil was, armed with a bag of caltrops, a blowtorch, and two swords that crossed on his back. He wore a long, black coat with a with a pocket near the bottom." (Pretty damn bad at writing, I was.)

"Preston and Clyde were twin brothers, practically identical. They both wore red business suits with a black tie and a blue corsage. They were also identically armed, each wielding their own rocket launcher, two-handed sword and flame-thrower."

(Oh, by the way, there is no way in hell I'm posting these.)

(...At least not until they're rewritten.)

(And FINE I GUESS I'LL SHOW YOU THE VAMPIRE STORY)